The bank

Scene: The manager’s office in a bank

Characters: Miss D. Posit, the bank manager; Monica, Miss Posit’s secretary; Mr. Moore, a customer; A bank robber

Miss Posit is sitting at her desk. The intercom buzzes.

Miss Posit: Yes, Monica?

Monica: Miss Posit, there’s a gentlemen to see you. Mr. Moore.

Miss Posit: Ah, yes. Mr. Moore. Bring him in please, Monica.

Monica brings Mr. Moore in.

Monica: Mr. Moore.

Miss Posit: Good morning, Mr. Moore.

Mr. Moore: Good morning.

Miss Posit: Thank you, Monica.

Monica leaves the office.

Miss Posit: Do sit, Mr. Moore.

Mr. Moore: Thank you.

He sits down.

Miss Posit: Now, Mr. Moore, the situation is like this. Your account is in the red.

Mr. Moore: Pardon?

Miss Posit: In the red.

Mr. Moore: I’m sorry. I don’t understand.

Miss Posit: In the red. Overdrawn.

Mr. Moore: “Overdrawn”. No, I’m sorry. I’ve never heard that word before in my life.

Miss Posit: It’s very simple, Mr. Moore. It means you’ve taken more money out of the bank than you’ve put in.

Mr. Moore: Oh, I see. Thank you very much.

Miss Posit: I don’t think you quite understand Mr. Moore. It means that you’ve put in less than you’ve taken out.

Mr. Moore: Oh.

Miss Posit: Your account is overdrawn. ₤200 overdrawn.

Mr. Moore: ₤200 overdrawn. I see. Well, don’t worry. I can put that right immediately.

Miss Posit: Oh, good.

Mr. Moore: Yes, I’ll write you a cheque, shall I?

He takes out his cheque-book and begins to write.

Mr. Moore: Now… two hundred pounds…

Miss Posit: Mr. Moore, Mr. Moore, if you write me a cheque for ₤200, you’ll be overdrawn more, Mr. Moore.

Mr. Moore: I beg your pardon?

Miss Posit: More, Mr. Moore, M-O-R-E, more.

Mr. Moore: No, no… double-O… M-double-O-R-E, Mr. Moore. It is my name.

Miss Posit: Mr. Moore, I don’t think you quite understand the situation. You see –

The robber comes in suddenly.

Robber: Nobody move!

Miss Posit: - you see, if you write me a cheque for ₤200 –

Robber: I said: “Nobody move!”

Miss Posit: Can I help you?

Robber: that’s better. You –

Mr. Moore: Me?

Robber: Yes. Read this.

He gives Mr. Moore a note.

Mr. Moore: Oh. Ok. Er… (Reading) “Two pounds of tomatoes, six eggs, and a packet of chocolate biscuits.”

Robber: No, no, no. the other side.

Mr. Moore: Oh, sorry. Er… (Reading) “Give me all your… honey, or I’ll… kiss you.”

Robber: Not honey – money.

Mr. Moore: Oh, sorry. (Reading) “Give me all your money, or I’ll kiss you.”

Robber: not kiss – kill.

Mr. Moore: Oh. Er… Miss Posit, I think this is for you.

He gives the note to Miss Posit.

Miss Posit: (Reading) “Give me all your money, or I’ll kill you.” I see. Would you sit down for a moment?

Robber: Sit down?

Miss Posit: Yes, I’m very busy at the moment. Please sit over there.

Robber: But –

Miss Posit: I’ll be with you in a moment.

The robber sits down.

Miss Posit: Now, Mr. Moore. How much do you earn?

Mr. Moore: ₤35 a week.

Robber: Excuse me –

Miss Posit: Just a moment, please!... So you earn ₤35 a week. How much do you spend?

Mr. Moore: ₤70 a week.

Robber: Excuse me –

Miss Posit: One moment, please!!... ₤70 a week. So you spend twice as much as you earn.

Mr. Moore: Yes, I earn half as much as I spend.

Miss Posit: How do you do it?

Mr. Moore: It’s easy. I use my cheque-book.

Miss Posit: Exactly, Mr. Moore.

Robber: Excuse me!

Miss Posit: Yes!!

Robber: I make ₤2,000 a week.

Miss Posit: ₤2,000 a week? And how much do you spend?

Robber: ₤1,000 a week.

Miss Posit: Really? So you save ₤1,000 a week.

Robber: Yes.

Miss Posit: (Very politely) would you like to sit here?

Robber: thank you.

Miss Posit: Mr. Moore, would you sit over there for a moment?

The robber and Mr. Moore change places.

Miss Posit: So you save ₤1,000 a week?

Robber: Yes.

Miss Posit: Tell me… where do you keep this money?

Robber: Here. In this bag.

He puts a large bag full of money on the desk.

Miss Posit: Oh. Oh, yes. Very nice. Um… would you like to open an account, Mr…?

Robber: Mr. Steele.

Miss Posit: Steele. I see. S-T-double-E-L-E?

Robber: Yes, that’s right.

Miss Posit: Well, just excuse me one moment, Mr. Steele, and I’ll get the necessary papers.

Robber: Certainly.

Miss Posit leaves the office.

Mr. Moore: Excuse me…

Robber: Yes?

Mr. Moore: you make ₤2,000 a week.

Robber: Yes.

Mr. Moore: How do you do it?

Robber: I rob banks.

Mr. Moore: Oh, I see. You rob banks and steal the money.

Robber: Yes.

Mr. Moore: How do you do it?

Robber: It’s easy. You take a gun –

Mr. Moore: I haven’t got a gun.

Robber: Oh… well, borrow mine.

Mr. Moore: Thank you very much.

Mr. Moore takes the gun and fires it.

Robber: Be careful!... You take a gun and you take a note.

Mr. Moore: Oh, yes, the note. That’s very good. I like that. (Reading) “Two pounds of tomatoes, six eggs –”

Robber: The other side!

Mr. Moore: Oh, yes. (Reading) “Give me all your honey, or I’ll kiss you!”

Robber: “money” and “kill”!

Mr. Moore: Oh, yes.

Robber: You take the note, go into the bank, and put the note on the bank manager’s desk.

Mr. Moore: Is that all?

Robber: Yes.

Mr. Moore: I see.

Miss Posit comes back into the office.

Miss Posit: Ah, yes. Now, Mr. Steele –

Mr. Moore: Give me all your honey… money, or I kiss… kill you.

Miss Posit: Money, Mr. Moore? Certainly. Take this bag.

She gives Mr. Moore the robber’s bag.

Mr. Moore: Oh, thank you. That was easy.

Robber: Yes, but –

Miss Posit: Mr. Moore, your account is still ₤200 overdrawn.

Mr. Moore: Oh, yes. Well… um… Here you are.

He gives her ₤200 from the robber’s bag.

Mr. Moore: ₤50… ₤100… ₤150… ₤200.

Robber: But…But…

Miss Posit: Thank you, Mr. Moore.

Mr. Moore: Goodbye.

Mr. Moore leaves.

Miss Posit: Now, Mr. Steele – your account.

Robber: But… But… But...

Miss Posit: Mr. Steele…

Robber: Just a minute! I think something’s gone wrong. Hey, you! Come back! Bring back my money – and my gun! Come back!

He runs after Mr. Moore.